Gourmet Fat Bastard

One minute I’m running round like a crazed banshee attempting to satisfy all for Christmas and the next thing we’re talking spring. I ask you ladies ! It’s enough that i am not beset with the idea that it’s all one biig conspiracy. Don’t let the lower orders stop ands think otherwise they’ll realise it’s all one big scam. Well, if you’re a politician living with expenses for duck houses and moats one might understand this thought process, but I’m not. No ladies I am sitting here on the cusp of February having consumed one of Mrs H’s delicious pork pies and a considerable Chablis and wondering who on earth will do my spring cleaning. Slaves required: apply within. Expect to be stripped while you work! you’ll end the day with a smile on your face…..or else I’ll slap yer arse!

January is a bit of a month isn’t it? In that way that some months are months and others are years. I’m not a lover of January or indeed the following month to be perfectly frank. The eating and merry making are over, the tinsel comes down, and the diets start. Indeed I’m never off some fad diet of some sort as my weight yoyos around my various binges extraordinaire. And did I eat like a pig at Christmas? Oh didn’t I just.

However I have been on a stricter diet since returning from the fun and snow in the north and indeed have lost a bit of weight. So what did I do? Well ! For the first time in my life I went to a naked party. Oh yes. It was a club event called SBN or Stark Bollock Naked at The Hoist. I just don’t know what came over me ladies but I just had to go- to see what if anything I was missing. The place was filled with cutilicious lads 25 to er 65 ish- all ages- something I quite like as it indicates an open-ness rather than the high pressure queenie twink zones that prevail on the gay club scene. So I arrived, stripped off and managed to get an almost spontaneous erection ! Ladies that hasn’t happened in years!!

I prowled round the subterranean environment that is The Hoist, a club set deep in the railway arches in Vauxhall wondering if the good folk that stood patiently on the platforms above had any clue to the bacchanalian orgy going on below. So near; yet so far! Anyway I wandered past the cages and the crosses, looked at various men of all ages and got talking to a very pleasing Frenchman. I must say it took some time and I was ignored (HOW DARE THEY!) by various men in various states of handsome-ness as I passed. You know that form of ignoring- they see you but look through you and don’t acknowledge you either. Rude.

So the French man and I started getting it a bit frisky, about which i was relieved because this constant cruising becomes a right bore. And what would you know it? many of the lads that had studiosly ignored me came to watch us and wanted to join in ! I would have said something ladies but my mouth was otherwise engaged !! It was however a fabulous afternoon on an otherwise dank grey january afternoon and cums highly recommended.

SBN- Stark Bollock Naked at The Hoist

What bloody happens in December? The whole world that’s what. It’s a bloody nightmare. Shall I use that word again? I wake at 6am, wash and out of the house by 8, am back around 9pm and somewhere in between I’ve done a jot of work. However the house is all a mess and with the festivities looming it needs a good clean up. Time to instruct a slaveboy methinks….

Ladies I went off on my vacances without mentioning I’d be away! Apologies my dears. I don’t know whether you are aware but we rightly call The English Channel by its correct name. The French however do not, they call it La Manche meaning The Channel. Well I’m sorry my dear Frenchie friends but that is La Manche Anglaises so M Sarkhozy please update your officials !

It’s extraordinary the number of people I have to keep in order !

I will be back with more recipes as soon as possible. However check out “Jamie Does” – Jamie Oliver’s book of recipes from the series where he tours Europe and Scandinavia. It’s simply marvellous. And a marvellous Christmas prezzy too.

On another note I have a friend who wished to be gang f***ed. Oh yes. He expects me to organise that too.

The Lady Gourmet Fat Bastard is back in town !

Good pet care and regular exercise keeps the dog in good health I find. If it looks even the slightest bit overweight it’s made to sit outside tethered for an hour or so, or if it’s cold made to run about and exercise.

And today is one of the coldest days of the year so I suggest you make a good job of it.

I can’t bear idle boys ladies I really can’t !

Well don’t just sit there idly ; get working !

Some houseboys just have too much attitude !

….which ladies means that it’s time to pick some sloes.

Last year I made an epic Christmas cake with Mrs H. This year my contribution to the family Christmas is a couple of substantial bottles of Sloe Gin. Now; I have to confess that last week I was having fun and games with two men in Wales. Ohhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Enough I hear you cry! Well okay I will save you the interesting details except to say that they’re house is surrounded by blackthorn which had produced a profusion of sloes. And as they don’t do anything with them I asked if I could have a pound or two. They’re inedible raw, but flavour gin marvellouly provided you add some sugar too. And it’s so easy!!!

You’ll see that i acquired a couple of 1.5cl bottles of gin. You’ll need about 400g of caster sugar and I had my800g of sloes.

Empty half of the gin out into another bottle or down your throat whichever the more convenient. Then empty the rest out into a suitable container -a measuring jug or something. Put 200g of sugar in the bottom of the jar and add 400g of sloes. This will account for about half the bottle’s volume. Then add the recently decanted 750ml back into the bottle. Screw top on and leave in cupboard for two months.Now repeat with second bottle. If you keep the gin longer remember to drain off and get rid of the sloes by February as apparently they go’ funky’.

There are some people who like equal measures of sugar to sloes. I’ve had this combo and it’s just a tad too syrupy for me. I like the fruit flavour to be more pronounced. Apparently less sugar works well for me, though don’t call me bitter!

The sloe gin after 3 days!

I will keep you updated as this the sloe gin matures. I might even have a party and have it served in small medicine glasses by a naked waiter. What do you think?